mood: GASTRIC FLU/GRUMPY TUMMY
music: RIGHT NOW / AKON

went over to polyclinic today. 2212. super ultra long queue. i dragged about going polyclinics is due to the long hours. dr. diagnosed it was a gastric flu. kepale boots dier laa. from what i can see, he is not even interested to listen to what i was going to tell him.

wth. i cooked dinner today. yup i was being that good girl. suppose to rest. i made the bed, i vacuum the entire house. wash my crocs. put out the pillows. wah lau. there goes my MC. watched Orang Minyak with Busyuk today. there goes my resting hours. next was accompanying bf to top-up his bbdc account. wow. member taking is VERY FIRST practical on monday.

done with madrasah's task list. now with the requirement in action plan. ya habibi.
biler i want to start my revision. cheesseeee bye.

Labels: 23days

mood: SHOULDER FEEL LIGHTER
music: GET OUT

finally the NS3 presentation is over. Ns4 is definitely my favourite along with PAS. i guess thats all. i was so freaking nervous for the NS3 presentation. damn i want to get to year 3 without repeating any modules. ya allah. im super paranoid i tell you. bf fetched me from school today. yup. pampered la ehk, mentang-mentang member stays near. well, he also can't give much reliable excuse. like usual i didn't ate anything in school today, except for the fish fillet that ibu fried and i ate with 2 slices of bread.

yup, thats my breakfast-lunch-dinner. then hema gave me a big piece cookie. superb! thanks hemaTURIA. hehe ( safia so bad ). anyways. ayu decided to cancel her tp and wait for me to finish my practicals. i hope she really waits for me and go tp with me. i want to keep the momentum. i don't want to loose it. haha, madang bebual pasal lesen je kan sekarang. yup, bf is also having is theory lessons on saturday. hehe member tak nak loose out laaa kan.

yesterday we went to bbdc. thought of topping up his account. suddenly his atm card has error. so had to forgo.all way after the urut2 at clubby, i wasn't feeling well. i guess i was not eating. i only had scrambled eggs in the morning. i was in school till 5.45pm. head to bf's place, wait for him to clean up. i told him i wasnt feeling well. by the time i reached home. bathed. slept till 9pm. i ate dinner. there you go, i vomitted everything. as in all the things i ate. the murtabak, the chicken, the prawn. the water.

in the end, i felt as though my stomach was vacuumed. shit the feeling is like im bloating up soon. bf was already in lala land. he was also feeling unwell. weird isnt it? yeah. that was the worst experience. you know, when feeding patient with NGT, we need to check placement isnt it. and we need to aspirate out to check the colour of the gastric juice? yup. thats the same gastric juice that came out my mouth. kimek! perits. i cried.

super scared. ibu was asking me about my lunch in school. she knew i was saving money. boom there goes the nagging. but takpe, get to lay on ibu's lap. gerekness.com

ps: till next updates

Labels: 24 days. MADRASAH GIVING A HEADACHE.

mood: IT STRIKES AGAIN

Labels: 25 days to exams.

Labels: sick . tired

mood: STRESS LEVEL RISING
music: SHUT UP

i have yet to book for my 5.01 practical lesson. darn. i will kill myself soon. with projects all squeeze in one. i had my PAS presentation today. i'm happy. i wasn't happy with my ns3. i'm truly scared right now. freaking freaking freaking out.

i have exactly 23 hrs before my nsl practical. and im not even ready yet. im prepared. but mentally and physically unprepared. like fuck. and bf is acting up. aku dah penat ngan skolah. member nak besarkan benda kechik. i wanna bloody hell throw my freaking phone.

all the best safiah. all the best semua.

Labels: penat

mood: GERAM
music: JANUARI-GLENN FREDLY

anyway. i was being a good girl today. didn't skipped any lectures. however, i only brought my white paper. to copy the notes down. yup, 2hrs of NS3 lecture. 15mins of NS3 remedial. 2 hrs of NS4. i will go kuku with notes.

finish with lecture, head down to library to get the presentation slides settle. subhannallah. i was brain dead. buat cekalkan hati, after all its my group's presentation. get it done. wow. friday im having my nsl micro teaching. oh my goodness. butterflies in my tummy. im having my ns3 retest tomorrow. thursday im having my pas presentation. ya allah. i will die soon.

hang out with P today. had coffee bean with him. talked and talked about life in school. when graduating. hell broke loose. had a short meet up with bf, he was rushing back to bukit batok after his dinner at Kranji. smart looking tuls. love looking at him with the smart casual look. rushed home. touched up on my nsl stuff. and here i am after watching isteri untuk suamiku. heartache! i want dr dimas please.

Labels: a suprise entrance it shall be

mood: HYPE
music: BROKEN





waiting for your arrival honeys. yeyness. so in love with you.
jgn marah. ini akan terjadi kalau saya STRESSbanget.com/sap.

Labels: jie, sms once received.

mood: SUPRISES
music: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

siti aisyah md hassan turns 11th today. 19th january 2009. getting older my irritating sister. had a suprise birthday cake. even ibu was into the suprise thingy. today i travelled back and forth like upteenth times.

1st from school back to home. 2nd from home to bbdc. 3rd from bbdc back to home. 4th from home to causeway. 5th causeway to irfan's place. 6th irfan's place to home. 7th home to jijot's place. 8th jijot's place to home. mampus. someone get me a bike lah sia. make my life simple. i'm tired.

like i've said, i went for my bike practical earlier today. yikes, pillon. and guess who was my partner. didnt get his name though. he is thin and kechik. aku dah lah besar dan berisi. boleh pulak dier bawak. nasib. and i made it to practical 5.01. excited aper!

bad news. im seriously tired, of hearing regarding break-ups that are happening to people close to me. the one i thought would never survive a long term, made it. the ones that i thought might even last in a wedding gown, failed to do so. ya allah.

ps: i miss bf

Labels: thanks jijot. sari is in 2 days.

Labels: seing double?

mood: HYPERTENSION
music: WHAT ABOUT NOW-DAUGHTRY

woke up at 6.45am today just for BCLS training. guess what? it was actually due on 18 FEBRUARY 2009. fuck shit. we came and we was send back home. don't wish to brag about it though.

currently at school library wasting my bloody time finishing my nsl client teaching and still contemplating to meet bf/just msg jie and ajak her to hang out. though i feel like sleeping. darn. super sleepy. damnmit. wasted my bloody trip. fine with it, sab and jemaine is also here.

i miss bf. this few days has been tiring for both of us. and im being cranky everytime. kesian la si bf kena melayan. kalau mel tahu, confirm member tegur. hehe. tuls taks smellys? thought of meeting him straight but he is helping his mum make epok-epok. rajin laa sgt. i want to get a book. i'm not sure what book exactly though. i don't feel like going home. why? cause it seems like he is talking to everybody at home except me. so yeah, im burdening myself with all the tortures and there he is enjoying life? no way.

bf, cepat la habis buat epok-epok.

Labels: sleepyhead donks

mood: SLEEPY/LETHARGIC
music: CRUSH

im not sure why. i cant stay up late anymore. its either, i sleep at 8pm and wake ups at 10+. Or its either i slept through the night without finishing any of my stuff. its hard. My timetable is killing me. 9am-6pm. Breaks in between. Going in and out of air conditioned rooms/lecture theaters. change in whether. wow. make me feel so sick down my knees.

im having my bcls practical & theory test tomorrow. and guess how long is the class? 8am till 5pm. im killing myself soon enough. next is finishing my NSL project. naddy! helpppppp....
i have to settle ns3 project getting it by the rest of my members by sunday. heading to darul ma'wa after madrasah on sunday. After the darul Ma'wa im heading to ruz place for video'ing.

Most likely next, i'll be heading home for my bed.

Labels: im tired.

mood: HANDLING IT ONE AT A TIME
music: ONE STEP AT A TIME-JORDIN SPARK

the news i received from one of the girls really mad me angry. but more to sad and disappointed. i've the very best, tak perform pun i tried to be there. why don't you guys put yourself in my shoes? what you guys feel when there is many awok performing and you can't perfom? due to the promised that you have made to your parents? dilemma. sedih. left out. that is what i felt.
maybe you guys think that i happily at home enjoying my life. you guys went for potluck, i wasn't there. ader yang take a step to even ask why i wasn't there? pasal semua assume, i want to runaway. isn't it?

im facing it. i know i ain't the best for you guys. like i have said, if you guys do not put the effort to even try and improve. even with all the resources available, the encouragement & moral support. it won't give any impact. why? basically, you YOURSELF are not willing to.
im not pointing at anybody.

i had my say. you have yours?

Labels: your choice.

Labels: thank you

mood: FIXING THE PIECES
music: ZAHIR TAK TERUCAP-NASH LEFTHANDED

2 of my girls are down with it now. ya allah. guys, do take care of yourself. it things gets worst, do get yourself checked. to hell with the performance, if must i will tell the organiser we are backing out.

i skipped ns3 lecture today. im just not in good health condition. reached school 8.30am. 30 mins for my nsl class. i was suppose to head to PAS lecture as i obtained a pathetic D+ for that subject. however, Z told me there was some moderation. alhamdulillah, i gain C. selamats. and now, i need to work extra-extra hard for my PAS exam. 3.2 gpa here i come. skipped ns3 lecture with S, yup both of us were tired. plus my stomach was growling.

called ibu, asking where she were. last last, i was the one who fetched irfan from school. head to have lunch at Nurul's. by the time i reached home, i was sleeping till 3pm. can't stand the headache. bathed and solat. got myself changed for my practical lessons. off i head to bbdc for my 4.01. guess what? i passed. i love this particular lesson. gerek! macam drift. hehe. next would be my 4.02. i really hope to get my practicals finished before the study week period. insyallah, nothing is impossible.

bf, was sent to sembawang camp today. he had the storeman course or something like that. while going to ngaji talked to him for awhile. he can be so irritating.com.sg/sap at times. thought of meeting him just now. but he said he was tired. so, i didnt pester. tomorrow will be a long day. :)

drink lots of water. please take care of your hygiene. xoxo

Labels: thanks d; ily

mood: FEEL LIKE WRITTING
music: MAKE IT WORK

i guess like what naddy had fully typed on her blog, life in poly/any educational institute will be different from what you expect it to. why? because you are meeting with wide range of people with complicated characther/problems/attitude/backgroud. basically just way different.

back in secondary four, achi/me/besty had always plan to build a company with basically all within our diploma scope. since achi is interested in CHILDREN. besty is mostly interested in IT. and at that point of time, i was confident i could make it in ACCOUNTS. so we planned to open up a childcare. with different strength. yup that is what make up really strive to get the best out of poly life. and alhamdulillah, achi & besty made it to their respective course, while me, myself and i took something beyond my dream. nursing.

what i told myself is that, if you have the interested and commitment to make and do something. everything that is impossible will be possible. eventhough at times it takes years. the 1 year in ngee ann had really beeen a roller coaster ride. knowing some of them during the orientation. the first few i have known would be, arun, ameera, naddy and razak. basically i and naddy clicked so well the first time we met. though i was afraid to even say hi to her. i guess arun would remember the first impression about me. i was basically wearing bermudas, t-shirt, slippers and army backpack. so yeah. what ? tomboy. i was insecured.
slowly, ruz, ayu, sha, huda, patrick, aishah, farah, shikin, fattanah, flow, weiling, estella, zena and etc. slowly, and slowly things gets rocky. each of us our flaws. none was perfect. i guess poly life will end bad when you can adapt to the changes / stand on your own.

next was getting close with the MCC babes& dudes. i guess i was actually that pendiam/taksukasenyum member of adiratna. mel/irma/farah/perm/batik/kiki/carry all were the kecoh group. everytime heading to dikir would be stressful. but slowly, we clicked. and finally dah macam biasa. jumpa will hug each other. its no different from the rest. you meet people with different backgroud and problems. yup.

on a greater note poly life teach you how the outside world would be. the 1st step of outside world. getting yoursefl geared up with ways to handle with different situations.

next would be having bf in the picture. never in a million years, i would ever dream of getting attached to my friend's brother. susah.com.sg. but i did, besty & achi always disturb me with the statement that i will be the 1st one between the sumbangs to get married. choi. insyallah tak. i have lots of plans & things to achieve before i settle down. having bf around, its weird. its been awhile since i was attached. after breaking up with L. i have negative view over the word MAN.
next was getting to know differences, comparing each of the guys i made friends with. tak salah berkawan, tak salah ada ramai kawan. with S/O/R, these 3 really made an impact on my life. next was bf, i wasn't his first girl. jie & naddy knew how i felt. even mel/tek/mak. they knew. mel knew most about O, because the peak moments happend during training. right melly?

i'm happy to say, eventhough i went through a period of some low moments in my life. what i will gain from poly life is treasuring the some that is within my reach. learning on life matters which we are unable to learn in lecture halls.

ps; thank bcc. having faith & courage to stay on with me. ana uhibbuk fillah.

Labels: long entry; perhaps

mood: GRATEFUL
music: ADIRATNA OPEN HOUSE

i started my day with smiles. even though i'm dragging myself to school. and to add more spice to it. i met BESTY in the train! finally, dah macam bertahun aku tak jumpa. we were roughly planning for an outing on the late FEBRUARY to early MARCH.

i told her everything that was troubling my mind currently. i guess BESTY pun macam pening. We split ways, i was dropping at SIM and she at NP. Yeah bump onto Ruz. Head to the Optimetry Lab with Ruz. It started scary, i have always been scared talking to public. Why? I'm scared of giving the wrong info. But by the time it was 1pm. I was doing the talking by myself.

Finish shift at 3. Changed to Adiratna t-shirt and off i went to SDAR. My girls are already there. Was smiling all the way. Giving myself motivation. I know my girls need that too. We had two rounds of training before heading to club to change and get ready. Why was i there when i'm not performing? I thought my girls need my help and motivation in some way or another. We borrowed Paduka's Baju this time. Thank Fahmi. Really. Thank You.:) We were at the simplest. No Bengkung, No Kelepet, be it besi/kain nya.

Me/Dayah/Ekynn were in charge of the awok's hair. Dyla was with the Frontman. Batik with base. Irma with eye shadow. Kiki with samping. Alhamdulillah. I know you guys can team up. ambeng and tek was being irritating screaming " TIME CHECK!". got them ready and off we went to atrium. what was really the best and i could remember was the group hug. seriously. everthough you guys may think its really childish. but, hugs really reduces the pressure and give relieves. watched them played. really made me happy. smilling and enjoying themselves to the beats. ya allah. tuhan aje tahu how proud i am of you guys. might not be perfect.
but, THERE IS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT!
Thank you Jie for being there. i love you laa. Thank you for always being there for me, hearing me out. Hugs you more. All the best for Monday's results honey!

My ADIRATNA,

Stay strong you guys, i know at times remarks are made and you guys are somehow hurt about it, unintentional. However, sometimes we need to give a bit of PUSH to improve and make things work. I know you guys can do it. Proven. Alhamdulillah. I want my you guys to maintain that number of awok. Walaupun tak semua perfect. Each of you have different strength that is needed in the team. Insyallah, selagi i'm needed in the family. I will be there.:) Well done dears.

Love,
Sap

Labels: AMA, BURGERKU, FATTANAH, KAK DEE thank you for being there;, MEILING

mood: UNDESCRIBEABLE
music: NEVERMIND

i guess my resolutions are not working. crying all the way from school and back. and i have not stop. i have yet to wonder is my life so bad that i make others hate me so much? or will this end once i lay stagnant on the death bed?

im really tired. it seems like as though im transparent. yes, i feel it. im walking endlessly like as though im not reaching the place. everything i say seems to be wrong. i look like shit. i feel like shit. tuhan je tahu. ya allah.
it's really hard. im not sure why. but i cant take it anymore. i want myself back. please. get be Siti Safiah Md Hassan please. please. im lost. i want to end it. my life. get it off me.

Labels: suicidal

mood: CONTENT
music: LOVE STORY

alhamdulillah. allah yang maha esa. once you really put your heart and soul to it. he make the way much easier. on lighter touch, i guess whatever happend on the eve of New Year bring lots of positive things to me. i'm back to being myself. i'm not saying aku buat semua solat yg wajib. to me its how you really put it. tak pernah-pernah aku jadi imam solat ngan my younger sis. ever since New Year, i have been the imam. at first it was weird. but when you get use to it, bacaan jadi lancar and hati makin tenang.

first day of school wasn't that bad afterall. i guess things have changed. i went to school alone today. yup. alone. saw ayu first in the lecture hall. i was prepared for lecture. really put my heart and soul to concerntrate. cause i really want that 3.2 gpa.
then at 1pm had the np open house meeting with Dr Koh. yup, me with the girls + arun is going to be in-charge of optimetry. yes, betul! MATA!

i left ealier cause i have my 3.02 practical at 1410hrs. i only reach the shell bustop near school at 1345hrs. i knew i was gonna be late. 985 wasn't even there yet. and the trip confirm aku lambat. so i made my decision. 1355hrs aku flag taxi. by 1405 i was there, printing slip. rush to the toilet, before that bump into SYUKOR and HAFIS pendek. Oh my. I miss SYUKOR. seriously, tak lama lagi semua leh gi riding sia. okay back. i was late for my practical. by the time i locked the locker, i forgot that i left my handgloves. stupid.

this time, practical was cool. pasal sikit orang. 3 person in 3.02 practical. easier for me to concerntrate. yup. alhamdulillah. i was the only girl and the only first timer. the two guys were 2nd timer. guessed what, eventhough hujan. alhamdulillah. i made it through the first time. sampai the guys say, " untung ah kau, dekni susah nak pass kan orang ". the sound of it like as though i wasn't good enough to pass the first time. up to korang. i'm there to learnt. malas nak campur politic keEGOan lelaki.

yup. that is basically my summary of the day. i still havent talked to abah. dah 5 days now. subhanallah. i really hope allah mengerti. really, i've been seeking HIS strength.

ps: practical 4.01 i will come after you soon.

Labels: alhamdulillah.

mood: AXIS I
music: Lil Bit-Forget About It

i'm afraid that i'm losing alot of the feeling. i'm not sure why. maybe its psychosocial. psychologically/physically/socially. its effecting it one way or another. there is alot of what if's in my head right now. i guess my medulla oblonganta is getting swollen by it i guess.
had an impromptu chat with Naddy. even without me complaining to her of what is happening, she knew i wasnt feeling that well. hehe. thank honey. i will remember it of course. and we had a very early appointment booked. kita go carik the kain once we finish our attachment's. okay deary.

how small conversation comprises on how we want to start our day tomorrow. yup. both of us is having only 2 hours of lecture. whippee for naddy as she is meeting her bf (ASRI) . me? nope. im not meeting mine. im heading home soon after lecture. solat zuhur. then off to my bike practical. i know some of you might think i should be using that money for the bills. but that money is the balance left in my bbdc account. and i do not want to loose my momentum in my bike. so yes. i was planning to wear the corset for hari raya. told naddy. she told me it was hard. pasal its suffocating. ayang, nak lawa ma. anyways, told her to go simple for her date with her bf tomorrow. between me and naddy, i have lesser knowledge on fashion. see the way she dress and i dress. hehe, if you are lucky, u can even see me wearing long track pants, flipflops and t-shirt. that's how slack i am to school. like i give a fuck. janji tak menonjol.

i have been giving bf cold shoulder since yesterday. yup. actually i'm just tired. i really tried my best to hold on. i want to make it last. but like i said. its psychosocial. i wouldn't want to put every blame on it. the fact that both of us it at fault.
we'll see. let the matter settle.
i'msorry.

Labels: slack

mood: PICKING UP THE PIECES

Labels: routine

mood: RESTLESS
music: LAILA-AMY SEARCH


woke up at 8 am today. finish bathing, ibu call saying that she is heading to nyayi's place. so fastened up on finishing my prayers that i left in the wee morning. by 12 noon was back home. abah told ibu to pass the message that i wash all the fans at home. yeah. i know, nothing else i can do.

vacuum the hall, 3 rooms. mopped the hall and 3 rooms. washed the 5 fans. baked the chocolate oats cookies. wow. with the help of ibu looking after my cookies. all finished by 2.30pm. finally. im tired. all the way from nyayi's place i was reminded about that bill. ibu keep reminding me about it. not to repeat the mistake.

i know. i've done one big hole of mistake. i guess when you are angry, all the good things that a person had done before never even mattered. right? i guess i would be reacting the same way if i were to be in abah's place. nevertheless, im sorry.

tomorrow's plan is to bring the kids out for a swim in the morning. yeah, i can't stay at home with abah alone. i'm trying to avoid that situation. for what must i face a gloomy face when i realise my mistake. everytime he saw me, its as though i was carrying a wedlock child. sebesar itu salah aku.

jie and lydia is out finding clothes for sis's engagement ceremony. i really want to go. my goodness. i really do. i would have to op out. i feel like i'm left out in lots of things. i really do. spending time with jie and lydia. talking about life. i seriously feel like shit. though i never let anything go to waste. time was spend doing chores, revision, homework.

im off.

Labels: kepenatan

mood: HOLDING ON
music: NEW SHOES-BEYONCE

kerana ikutkan hati, my bill mounted. and now, i have to pay the price for it. over with it. menyesal pun tak guna. i have to start from scratch. like i said in my new year resolution, i want to complete my practical 4.02 by end of january. yes, i guess my aim is really tough. as it concerns money.

gosh. i cant really get over the feeling of wasting almost half of 1K on my bills. fskcuskkhkskcuk. ok dah diam. safiah stop regretting over spilled milk. i want to start school fast. i want to end my 2nd year fast and go ahead to being a 3rd year student. shit. i will start missing lectures when i'm doing my prcp. i will start missing sms'ing in lectures when im doing my prcp. but heck care. i want to start working on my bond ASAP.

i guess when im old enough and start reading on my entries that i've posted. i will realise how silly i was back in my younger days. getting on abah nerves. sharing gossips with ibu. irritating adik. that's life.

im off to bed. bf is already in lala-land. he has to wake up at 5am. padahal camp 3 bustops away from home. kuku nene. he says, he needs to get ready in case he need to travel to other camps. pandai jugak bf. so yeah. and abah, im not ready to settle down. i have a lot to achieve in life.
i want a Class 2 license. so bf, you wait hor.

morning readers.

Labels: salam namaste